Is it possible to feel your brain changing…healing? Having things connect that you desperately wanted to before, but they just wouldn’t? Well, I’m starting to believe that it’s true. I have always said, “You can’t rush maturation; it is a process that must be struggled through, experienced and lived.” Well, I am seeing that is true of healing. The brain is a beautiful organ, as is the heart. They are separate and sometimes on different timelines. After moving states, visiting old friends and acquaintances, sharing parts of my story over and over…and over again, I have noticed something strange happening to me. Every time I share a bit of my journey, it doesn’t exhaust me or bring back the shame and disheartening nature of the entire experience…it makes me stronger. Literally. It makes me feel like myself again.
Here’s the thing: I am ENFP. So says a fun, and very accurate personality test I took (Take the test here for free. It takes less than 15 minutes). In my percentages depicting how extroverted vs. introverted I am, I scored a shocking 95% extroverted. This is nuts, but also very true. I like people, what can I say? I also like to be known…by people. This is a key element of my life that has been almost obsolete for almost a decade. Of course I had friends (really freaking fantastic friends, actually) and I hung out with people, but the difference was that I couldn’t share me, my whole life, or any part I felt like sharing. There were borders and limits on what I was allowed to disclose. I had to sugar coat the facts, butter up the story, change the devastating feelings to “not so bad”. I had to be a Hollywood version of myself. And well, that was just plain wasn’t ever going to work for me. These days things are different for me. I travel where I want and speak with whomever I want about the silliest things and the darkest moments and the deepest longings in my heart. I am free as the wind! And, come to find out, that’s an absolute MUST for ENFP’s.
So here I am. In Texas (which by the way, I am LOVING). Living my own dreams. Loving my kids. Building my life. Telling my story and listening to other people’s stories. Constructing deep relationships with amazing people. And do you know what is happening? I feel my brain making connections I thought were long lost. I feel joy and peace. I love myself and my kids. I have hope for the future. I look forward to the path that lay ahead of me. I have good friends. Really…REALLY good friends. These precious hearts are in my life every day, asking questions, sharing stories, discussing life with me. It feels so good, after so many years of being isolated and alone, to have my people surrounding me (near and far). And I am in control of my own relationships…I get to determine how to invest in them, how much time and emotional vulnerability I give to them, and how I will love and serve them. And I am thankful!
I have all the time in the world: to heal, to learn, to grow, to wait. There is no ticking clock chasing me. I am watching and feeling my brain heal, and I am patient in allowing my heart to mend. I am slowly seeing my brain reconstruct the belief and hope that there is good, sweet, kind love in the world. There are stepping stones to this kind of re-connection in the brain (I think), and since my last blog post, I am maybe two stepping stones in. There could be a million more, or not. So I don’t believe it quite yet, but I’m beginning to see good love as more of a possibility than an absolute scam.
I feel strong today. I remember why I got my bicep tattoo again (pictured)…sometimes I forget. A new wave of strength came this week, and I embrace it.
As always, respectful comments and feedback is encouraged!