Shit. Shit. Shiiiiiit.

Just working in the same spot of the same coffee shop I’m always at when it starts creeping in…


Mumford and Sons brought it on today. I just know he’s in their music.

People die. It really happens. People you loved and once gave your life to stop breathing and existing. Sometimes it happens, and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it. As powerful as one single human can get, death leaves even the mightiest of us all cowering and broken in dark corners. Blood on our hands. Tormenting aches in our souls; crippling our minds, our bodies and our present moment. There’s just nothing like death to slap the shit out of you and sober you up.
What even matters in life? The promotion? The debt payoff? The clean house? The summer plans? The petty toils of relationships? The house, the car, the dog? The regrets of the past? The dreams for the future?

Nope. No. Wrong. None of it. None of these things last…they don’t hold up next to the torrential force of death. And here’s why…

Nothing is final in this life, except death. NOTHING. Everything crossing your mind right now…there’s a way out, around it, or through it. Everything has a plan B, alternate route, or more options. Except death. Death pops you in the mouth and knocks the wind out of you. “It’s over! Hope is gone! Shut your thoughts down! Stop wishing, dreaming, searching for a way around it! You have no way out! It’s final! It’s done! There is NO turning back, no other routes, no way out! So, deal with it…or die yourself.”

That’s just a taste of how fucking offensive and cruel death is. There is no sympathy, no gentleness, no easing you in. You get no hand outs and no short cuts. Death shoves itself down your throat and if you don’t choke it down, you will suffocate and die. It’s violating, sadistic, vengeful, and merciless. And it never relents…it will always have a place to cut you in the side, just when you think you’re free of its grip. Oh, no…don’t be a fool. Death and all his ploys to destroy you are never far from you.

I am fine. I am busy. I am happy. I have good things, people, and work in my life. My kids are doing well. But today. Today death made a move on me and left me shaking in a coffee shop, tears welling and completely consumed by it’s antics. I am paralyzed by it and powerless against it in these moments. My only escape today was an empty GoogleDoc happened to be open. I will be fine, I’ll recover from this offensive assault soon, but real-time…this is what those “bad days” or “grief pockets” look like… Welcome to my normal.




As always, if this particular sequence of words moved you in heart, mind, soul or spirit, please follow my DrinkerBelle Blog and FB page, comment, and share the post.  My story is not just for me, and neither is yours. #everymindmatters

Hashtag #everymindmatters and share this blog, your story, or how you’ve seen mental illness.  Join the fight against ostracizing those who suffer where you can’t see.  Let’s learn how to create a safe place in our society for truth, help and support.  We are not alone.



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