Has anyone ever said to you, “You always want more… you expect too much… I can never seem to make you happy…” or anything else similar?
If so, listen up! That’s a red flag on the play! Codependency is in the HOUSE!
Often when we can’t clearly define our own needs, we project our frustration/unmet expectations/lack of fulfillment on other people (usually those closest to us).
Although the problem may TRULY feel like his inability to be attentive or her mood swings or his time management issues or her endless nagging… the problem ACTUALLY started much earlier than all of that.
It started when you weren’t aware of your own needs/wants within a relationship and therefore you didn’t communicate them effectively (bc you didn’t even know what they were), so your person never actually got to sign that contract you covertly wrote up and held them to!
Now you may say, “Obviously I’ve told them their behavior bothers me and it just ends up in a bickering match.”
Well, there could be a lot of reasons for that- but if you don’t come full circle with your relational needs (meaning: 1. Trigger 2. Pay attention to self/practice self-soothing 3. Figure out want/need to heal and provide that for yourself first, then 4. Effectively communicate what you need from your person 5. Calmly discuss how you can work together to help you heal), as in, if you skipped any of these steps- then yeah… when you bring up an issue, there’s a high chance for reactive behavior to ensue.
It’s critical that you establish a pattern of self-care in order for you to understand what you need to feel safe and loved within relationship. That is 100% your responsibility. And when we abandon ourselves there and place that responsibility on our people, we unconsciously set a trap for ourselves and our relationship.
Do you do this? Have you been blamed for someone else’s unspoken needs not being met?