(Watching Beautiful Boy with Steve Carrell)
Cold, sticky tiles I lay on.
I am separate from my body.
I am two parts: broken and ruined.
Drained of worth, short of purpose.
Whether in or out,
No matter here or there.
Be it with or alone,
If I’m empty or full.
It never stops.
Always with no answer.
Am I, just as I am, enough?
Without it, I’m undone.
The panic eats me from the inside.
It’s all I know and all I have
My way outside the black soot of my soul.
This is all I have.
You can’t set me free.
You can’t even see me bleed.
Alone I lie.
Cold, on stained, sticky tiles.
And alone I die.
In vain self-denial.
Sometimes I have more ideas than I think I can handle, but this one’s worth writing down.
Towards the end of Beautiful Boy, when he’s in the diner alone writing, he leaves his notebook to go shoot up in the bathroom, I had a thought:
What if everywhere I go – coffee shops, diners, out to eat, even bars–I write a short poem or ode of inspiration, date it and tag my IG?
If I encourage, touch, or inspire one person, it would be worth it to me. I leave it in the hands of fate and move along. Maybe I snap a pic and post it on my IG before or maybe not. It’s all about human connection and energy – feeling alive and seen, knowing someone left something maybe JUST so you’d pick it up.
I hope I remember to do this.
It went perfectly (Book of Mormon at Bass Hall with G). He’s keeping his boundaries and it helps me stay true to what I know is best for me. We enjoyed each other’s company and the night without leading each other on, flirting, or crossing any lines. I feel solid and empowered by all of it and hopeful for my growth and future love story (with myself and life partner). Tired af. But feeling stable and settled in my mind and heart today.
Long day. Peter’s party was today. Some of Tyre’s family came up – it was difficult, but not as bad as it’s been before. G was with us most of the day – getting balloons for me, helping with the kids, etc. He had a bunch of his favorite people show up. It was wonderful being with them. I felt very loved having all of them loving Peter. I’m completely wiped though.
Light cloud looming – Tyrel’s 37th birthday today. Just relaxed tonight. Still feeling solid.
Solid. Actually, really happy. Volunteered today and it was wonderful. I’m getting more comfortable there. Had wine with dinner. G came over.
Feeling a little stressed – but for no particular reason. Other than that, I feel really good. I’m happy. My own happy. I’m focusing on my body, my feelings toward myself and loving ME. I’m not my own enemy. With everyday that passes, I see a little more why G and I are not together. I love him, but I’m growing strong and finding myself and I’m BIG. Our relationship was small.
I’ve fallen in love with @risingwoman on the gram. Everything they post is exactly what I’m learning about myself right now. I am learning how to have a conscious
relationship connection with myself and open my mind to the possibility of a conscious relationship one day. I see how a mother wound or abandonment issue has left me feeling unworthy of love and seeking validation from others – men, friends, female role models – so many people. Even things like social media. But I truly am loving who I am… just as I am.
Every time I have a “negative” or “positive” emotion – mostly when they’re BIG – I try to take a moment to consciously open myself up and make space for that feeling. It’s been nothing less than revolutionary for my mind. I still think about G daily, but from a different stance – more loving and less insecure. And with each day, I become less interested in him (and the idea of anyone) and his emotional unavailability. It’s fascinating!
I also find myself actually thinking it might be EXCITING to get to know someone new down the road and let someone get to know me – the REAL me – whole and calm. Usually the beginning of relationships are fun for the flirting and chemistry, but extremely anxiety-ridden for me because I haven’t built enough trust and I’m so damned afraid they’re going to betray me or leave me or something.
But I know. I really really know now that I can trust myself to heal after heartache, disappointments, tragedy. I trust ME so I think I’ll be a lot more free to enjoy the moments of getting to know someone next time.
Oh, heart, you are healing and in doing so, calming my mind.
First of all, FUCK work for taking away my journal time! Haha
Second, I am BEAT every time I volunteer at the horse ranch and I’m realizing how much physical exhaustion helps slow my mind and calm the overthinking down. I used to say, ”I don’t have the patience/energy/time or anything to give to volunteering or helping others,” but today I noticed that volunteering and connecting/loving on others HELPS me to be more tender and compassionate to my littles and myself. It was very sweet and extremely fulfilling. I’m addicted.
Third, people are starting to notice I haven’t been on my phone as much. I feel like I’m losing touch, but I know I just need to set a new rhythm/pace for my socializing.
Fourth, woah, Nelly! The clarity of mind is coming fast! I have felt so solid and framed in a way I’ve never been towards myself! I love things and people and G, but they don’t say anything about who I am anymore, and they don’t tell me who I am either. They don’t give me value or validate me. And… the biggest part – I don’t ask them to.
I don’t ask my kids to behave so I can look like I have my shit together. I don’t drink or not drink according to who I’m with but rather by what I feel is best for ME at that moment. I don’t serve food, time or flattery so people will see that I bring value to the world, I do it because I want to. And on and on…
Last night I felt – even in silly banter – I was able to communicate my true heart and self to G more clearly than I used to be able to. I didn’t stumble over my words or lose my thoughts because my feelings and fears were clouding the moment. I chose to speak. It was so satisfying! And I don’t crave attention, verification or acknowledgement to know that I AM ENOUGH everyday anymore. I feel like an oak tree has taken over my core and I am strong, solid, and old in so many different areas.
I am proud of who I am, how far I’ve come and my choices to love, stabilize and lean into myself and family.
Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016
Children: Jane and Peter
G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend
S: G’s ex- girlfriend
A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)
L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)
R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids
Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)
H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend
W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist
D: Dear friend since 8th grade
C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile
I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3):
- An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
- My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
- The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.