February 1

It was a good day – spent it writing which fed my soul. I woke up this morning feeling unbelievably accomplished and proud – just for submitting 4-5 pieces this week. I was made for writing. It’s like when a race horse gets to race – just watch me RUN! 

Feeling great all day. Empowered with writing, loving my friends (brunch with hos and Warm Place Family night), and my mind is calm. It’s just wonderful and all I’ve wanted for… my whole life. Dreams really do come true – when you do the work and make the choice: Self Love and Self Care. It’s a state of mind!

February 2

Just pondering how I’ve lived my new lifestyle for a month – my separation from my phone alone has been transformative. I’m so thankful. I binged on Rising Woman material this morning. I am so ready to discover and embrace myself as a woman. I remember just a month ago how clouded my mind was and torn my heart was with duplicitous emotions and anguish. This is the most peace I’ve EVER felt during the ovulation moon phase I think!

February 5

Oops! I’ve lost track of time and days! I’ve been super busy – (Rodeo) late night, Super Bowl the day before that… it’s been fun, but I’m wiped. However, I have been feeling extremely solid. I’m full of powerful and positive thoughts about myself, like, “I CAN… I AM…” type of things. I’ve been seeing things (mostly with G) all around me in a different light – like I love them, but they don’t tell me who I am or determine my value! Crazy good!

February 6

Today has been good – very busy, but I feel a hovering of uncertainty. I think it could be feeling frustrated with how G reacted to Peter head-butting him on accident at the rodeo the other night, or maybe I’ve been too busy. I will sit and feel and make space to recognize this tonight.

As I thought about it more, I realized the heavy feelings came after the Safe Haven (domestic violence shelter) volunteer interview this morning. I think my body is feeling the transition from my past to my New Self and it’s heavy… and remarkable. I am no longer that girl – young, naive, broken, victim, empty, alone, ignorant – I am informed, capable, strong, loved, and full of compassion and love to give. It’s the ending of an era and the beginning of a new one!

I feel a little unsettled today, not bad, but enough to know I need to lean into something. 

It started when I left my volunteer interview for the Safe Haven today. It’s like I felt myself peeling away from my “old life”. As if it’s truly become my past and I am now living in a different portion in time. Which is a GOOD thing, but this moment of transition deserves some conscious attention and honor, I think. Every step of my journey has led me to the wholeness I’m now living in and that is worthy of recognition and respect.

I also think I’m still upset about the way G responded to Peter when he accidentally head-butted him the other day at the rodeo. He and I had just had a conversation earlier that day about his escalation and emotional reactions to Peter’s behavior/emotions. But he just left Peter with the guilt and shame without sorting it out with him that night. Then he sent a video the next day to release him from guilt after I had suggested he let Peter off the hook. Not the end of the world, but it made me see how G’s inability to recognize and lean into pivotal moments of connection can potentially hurt my kids too. I need to figure out if I should talk with him about it. 

Also today, after working with C for a while, we went to his house and chatted with D a little (about G) and C said, “Yeah, he’s definitely keeping one foot in, one foot out with you and the kids in case he feels like dipping back in or in case you start seeing someone else. There’s a reason he’s staying so involved with the kids still.” Then I left feeling kind of pissed (frustrated, really) that G might be using me and my kids to fill his need for companionship or connection. So selfish. The feeling of being used is sickening… although, I am using him (babysitting, companionship) just the same… We may need to talk about this.

This heavy feeling is interesting. I’m beginning a new era of MaryBeth. One where I am not down-trodden, weak, feeble, empty and broken, damaged or wounded, but one where I am rising strong, healing wounds, embracing the pain of my story, acknowledging the woman inside who’s been there all along. I am capable of surviving tragedy and chaos and creating a life full of joy, peace and abundance! I am compassionate and I am drawn to people who understand pain and resilience.

For the last couple of days I have been reminded of when I was 18 and about to leave for college (could be the warm Texas weather we’ve had lately), but it’s a sense of freedom and a new beginning where the possibilities are endless and I have so many options and choices on what I want to do and who I want to be. I was beginning my adult life back then and now I am beginning a new chapter.

It’s incredible. I feel humbled and honored to be active and alive and awake in this moment. I am so thankful I’m paying attention and I’m so excited for today and for what is to come. Gratitude is overwhelming me. Goodness, I feel the sweetness of life.

February 7

It was a beautiful birthday for my 7 year old boy! Busy day but needed to create some space to feel out my stress and emotions today. Exploring self pleasure – it was nice to feel in touch with myself. But maybe that wasn’t the best way to self-soothe. Learning a lot from Evolving Man and Rising Woman. Thankful for the path of enlightenment unfolding before me. Feeling solid and comfortable in my own skin today.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day celebrating my best boy’s 7th birthday! Very busy and feeling a tinge of stress, so I tried to self-soothe and create space to feel and acknowledge the feeling.

I’m becoming obsessed with Evolving Man and Rising Woman podcasts and blogs.

Today I contemplate G differently – sympathetically. I acted out of my abandonment wound and focused mostly on him instead of myself. It’s unfortunate, but I understand it more now. All I can do is keep working on myself and align myself. It makes me curious about how my life will unfold. I am ready to hold space for myself next time I feel unstable. I want to soothe my inner child and stop acting out of abandonment (projecting what I feel and making it other people’s “fault” or needing someone else to reassure me when I feel insecure). I am absolutely FLOORED at how this enlightenment is just unfolding everyday before me lately. I am so excited to see what lies ahead for me. I feel like I’m healing the parts of me I’ve always felt have plagued me.

How lucky am I? And I get to learn how to hold space for my kids… and teach them how to do the same!

I want a conscious romantic relationship next time – and every time from this point on. In fact, I may want to do this work for the rest of my life – after I do more work of my own for a while, then help others live in conscious healing.

M: Me

Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016

Children: Jane and Peter

G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend

S: G’s ex- girlfriend

A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)

R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids

Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend

W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist

D: Dear friend since 8th grade

C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile

I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3): 

  1. An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
  2. My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
  3. The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.


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