February 8

Wow. Great headspace today. Wrote a short story and cataloged the major milestones of abandonment in my relationship with Tyrel. It was healing and freeing. Then I listened to the Evolving Man podcast with Sheleana Aiyana on Codependency and Conscious Relationships. Encouraged about my own journey and even dating again when the time is right and I find someone I’m in alignment with. Got to practice holding space for Jane today after school when she was angry and didn’t know why. I invited her to my room then let her be alone in her room. She came in a few minutes later still mad and I bear-hugged her, wrapping my legs around her and we worked through the “feelings cake”: Anger is the icing and Hurt Unfairness Fear Frustration (HUFF) is the cake. She was frustrated that Peter didn’t want to play with her. I reminded her that that doesn’t say or mean anything about her and that he has different needs and that’s OK, and she’s OK even if/when he chooses not to play with her, it’s not a reflection of her value. She was so loving and relaxed the rest of the evening – AMAZING! This shit WORKS! Can’t wait to do it for myself!! 

February 9

Good day. Getting super into learning about moon cycles! Rising Woman literally satisfies ALL of my questions about myself that started in December!

February 10

I listened to Shay and Ben’s podcasts on Evolving Man about conscious relationships and codependency this week. WOAH! I learned SO much about myself and the way I am in relationships. I am excited to continue to do the work and practice holding space for myself (and my kids)! It’s actually really fun and it works SO well!

I think it’s important to note a few things I became aware of in my past relationships:

  1. I have a solid abandonment wound from Tyrel. I wrote “Honeymoon Buoy” to help lay it all out in one place. It was healing to get it out of the sticky corners of my mind, but there’s a lingering pit in my stomach of LOSS and unfairness. I need to hold space and move through it still.
  2. I recognize that while I wasn’t necessarily codependent with Tyrel’s addiction, I very much was with him relationally. I complied because I was afraid of being rejected or abandoned (because he said that’s what would happen – he would leave me) if I brought my actual needs and desires to him. But moreso, I did not know how to hold space for myself or value my own needs so I basically asked him to do it (which he was clearly incapable of doing) and it became a space of deep wounding for me.
  3. I carried over much of that codependency into my relationship with G. We had the anxious/avoidance partner dynamic going strong and very much unconsciously. I still couldn’t hold space for myself and became frustrated when he couldn’t do it for me either. But what I’ve realized is that even as I’m starting to do the work and look at my shadows, it wouldn’t have worked with G because he was never two feet-in the relationship with me. He never has been/was. And there was no hope of having a conscious relationship without both partners being two feet in.

With all of this new awareness, I have, of course, wondered if G and I would ever get back together and here’s where I am today: No matter if it’s G or some new guy – I don’t want a fling, something casual or even a boyfriend. I want a conscious relationship with a partner in life. So, when I feel an aligned connection (which will be so fun and educational to experience), I will remember that I am worthy of asking and waiting for what I want. I love doing the work and I know I will love doing the work in a relationship. I want someone who will feel the same. 

My moon sign describes my ultimate fulfillment coming from true, deep intimacy and that couldn’t be more true. I finally feel like I’m on the right track to receiving that as I learn to give myself love and care! It’s all very exciting and the more time I get to practice without any relational distractions, the more confident I feel in all of this:)

My moon sign also says I have impeccable intuition and I can always get a read for what’s beneath the surface – damn, is that true or what?! (That’s why I’ll never stifle my gut feeling again!) Anyways, I have been sensing (through G’s flip-flopping from being super involved with the kids and basically hardly speaking to me at all) that he is in turmoil – perhaps about me and the kids or maybe just about his relational choices and patterns. I feel for him, but I know I cannot help him find his way through this. I just hope he sees the work, leans into it, and finds everything he didn’t even know he wanted in life.

February 12

Oops! Two nights ago I was swarming in inspiration from Rising Woman (via Evolving Man podcasts) and last night I was a little under the weather. Both days were slow and peaceful for me with a bit of anxiety driving in the rain with the kids yesterday. Nothing major. The kids have been so peaceful and responsive to me lately.

Man, I’m really looking forward to the day G isn’t on my mind during nearly every passive thought! 

Today I listened to Evolving Man’s podcast with Shay about the disconnect in masculinity/femininity and (just like all of their podcasts together) I get ALL the answers as to why me and G weren’t making it work. Of course there are so many things, but today’s podcast was answering all the questions I’ve heard G ask about himself. I want to call and tell him and discuss it all with him so badly, but we don’t have that openness anymore, which is healthy I guess, but I wish it wasn’t that way. In fact, I don’t think it’s necessarily that it’s healthy, it’s that way between us now (distant and strained) because G is in an avoidant pull, but just about himself and life. He’s approaching 40 in a couple weeks so I’m sure there’s some introspection happening there.

Anyways, my point is this – today I thought about opening a door to G (maybe “one last time”) before I let him go – or whatever mental closure I’m still searching for – and inviting him to consider listening to all these Evolving Man podcasts and maybe see what “we” could be if we restructure our relationship, but then immediately I thought: 

No. Because something is off about that. Me asking him to join me when he’s already said he’s out. Me entertaining a reunion in a way that perfectly satisfies ALL of my needs and desires for a relationship. Me asking him to change to fit me better.

Clearly, I’m having a difficult time – although not in actual communication with him, that’s been somewhat easy to transition out of – it’s letting go of the idea and hope of what we could be or have been. It’s really hard for me to let it go. I don’t want to live with regret so I guess I’m trying to fight for things that aren’t actually there with tools I haven’t actually acquired yet JUST in case 10 years down the road I figure out this is what I really wanted or it was my best chance or I never found anything closer to a match to me than him.

The thing about me and G is that although we’re both still pretty emotionally unintelligent, we were made to be extremely emotionally intelligent. But neither of us is there yet and there is no guarantee we will feed that potential in the future (I mean, obviously I will, but there’s no guarantee with him)!

The truth that is still settling in, is this:

This is the beginning of this emotional intelligence journey for me. I attract what I’m ready for. As more time passes, I will learn to recognize men I am in alignment with and make sound decisions based on emotional health and not a desperation to feel accepted. This is new territory and allowing myself time and space to journey through it without fear of regret will be a gift I can give to myself.

So, I will lean into my desperate attempts to rationalize begging for G to take me back. I will make space for myself and let my inner child know she is loved and accepted no matter what G chooses his journey. I will fight to have an intimate connection with me. And eventually, I will attract someone who can hold just as much space for me as I can hold for myself. 

M: Me

Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016

Children: Jane and Peter

G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend

S: G’s ex- girlfriend

A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)

R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids

Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend

W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist

D: Dear friend since 8th grade

C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile

I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3): 

  1. An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
  2. My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
  3. The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.
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