February 13

Wow. Well, wow. The timeliness of yesterday’s thoughts is just… wow. The Universe knew a test was coming. And thankfully, I was attuned to that. I knew it was coming and figured it would either be by way of G wanting to date again or G informing me he was dating someone new…

Today, he told me he and S are seeing each other again. Wow. This may take a few pages…

It’s so surreal that this day has finally come. I guess the Universe is just MOVING RIGHT ALONG here… ha! I’m holding space for myself and allowing the punches to the gut of jealousy to move through me. My ego is a BEAST sometimes.

First of all, it’s not completely shocking, although I really hadn’t given it much thought. I’ve been pretty disconnected from him for two months and boy has that paid off. Then there’s the fact that they saw each other for the first time around Thanksgiving (probably when I was in Colorado crying my eyes out to B about him). That disappoints me because here I was this whole time thinking he was doing so well and (I thought) not looking for the next thing two weeks after a break up. That equally annoys me and gives me relief – knowing he isn’t as awesome as I thought he was. 

Then there’s the fact that he’s been hanging out with me for MONTHS not telling me. He told S that he wants to do “the honesty thing” (that he and I “did” when we first started talking two years ago) with her this time because HE needs it and enjoys it so much and I literally can’t roll my eyes hard enough – his honesty depths and frequency has nothing to do with truth and EVERYTHING to do with how he sees it best suits him. So frustrating. Regardless, now is good timing because I truly do know he cannot be the kind of partner I want and deserve. He showed today that he chooses what he knows – his own way, his old girl, and emotional infancy.

Good riddance to all THAT.

Then he tells me he “of course” told her all about me and let her know that he will not only be in the kids’ lives but in my life too as long and as much I allow it. (First of all, how unbelievably shitty is THAT for S?! Gah! I do NOT miss his rules!) He told her he enjoys my company and genuinely likes being around me – again, what a dick to her.

Eventually, I found myself saying, “Maybe down the road, if it leads there, she could meet us too so it won’t have to be a weird separate family you sometimes hang out with without your girlfriend (insert “you crazy fucking ass!”).”

But he was so genuinely happy and relieved when I said that, I kind of felt sorry for him – like he’s trying so damn hard to build a castle with room for all his important people but all he has is a plastic spork as a tool.

Anyways, we’ll see in time – I could honestly see that happening with ease if I can get on the other side of things emotionally. But another part of me is like – why the fuck do I want to hear, see, witness, or get involved with all his stupid dramatic shit again… and continually? We’ll see – obviously the kids play a role in this decision, so who knows?

I seriously can’t stop shaking my head and laughing at how predictable he is. And how loyal I am to hope and assume he’s better than that. I do NOT want to demonize him through this, because he and I have brought each other some incredible lessons in two years but oh…my…god! If they start a family and end up making this work – it will be so beautiful and meant to be, but it’s just so circular – the cycles of breakups and makeups.

The other thing is that I think maybe she was the reason all along that he wouldn’t go two feet in with me – he never stopped missing her. I think in August or September (2018) when I asked how much longer he was going to keep up the monthly “recovery birthday” texts with S and he reacted so strongly – ”As long as I want. I don’t see me stopping any time soon” – he made a choice, just like I told O I would keep talking to G. You choose who you’re most deeply connected with. Today, I would understand that kind of response is a red flag.

I am choosing to remind myself I wasn’t just a pawn to keep him occupied while S “learned her lesson” (as he once put it) from him, and all he is saying and doing now doesn’t say ANYTHING about who I am – my worth or my lovability. This is G’s journey and I can either support him gratefully or I will choose to let him drift out of our lives. I have choices and he does not give me any more or less meaning.

It’s a punch in the gut to think about them going on dates and him holding her and talking to her for hours. I know it’s my ego, but my only loss here is the companionship. He won’t be calling me when he’s bored. I’m not his playmate or friend in the evenings and on weekends. And honestly, our friendship has shallowed so much over the last couple of months, it’s not even fun for me. I like talks and curiosity and questions and being in each other’s lives, and it’s not that way with him anymore. So what, I just keep him around to fill space or time or babysit? I don’t know. I don’t need to decide that now.

Got to truly hold space for myself today and it was very uncomfortable and difficult, but I felt SO good as the day progressed. I feel able to accept this information about S and G as if I had chosen it. It almost seems as if this was the way it was always going to be. That gives me peace. I also started thinking that I’m actually really glad it’s S and not someone of menial substance. I think I can find more and more peace here. I do have to be conscious of my distaste for G’s choice to not take ANY time after our breakup, but he chooses his own path, which is clearly to continue his idiotic cycle of NEVER BEING ALONE!

M: Me

Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016

Children: Jane and Peter

G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend

S: G’s ex- girlfriend

A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)

R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids

Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend

W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist

D: Dear friend since 8th grade

C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile

B: Dear friend of 20 years who I shaved my head with when she got breast cancer in 2018 and lost her hair

O: A guy I “talked” to in another state and went and visited after G and I broke up in summer 2018

I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3): 

  1. An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
  2. My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
  3. The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.
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