February 20

Looming heaviness about doing life alone when I want to share it. But I’m OK. I know it’s a temporary feeling.

—

Made the curve on the 18th when I wrote G a letter he’ll never see. Got all my venom out then the next morning I woke up with a clear head – remembering my work.

Today, I am paying attention to my inner little girl and feeling the disappointment that she has been marked by throughout her life. Going to hold space to feel this now…

—

I think my disappointment feeler flips on then what follows is codependency – me searching to be acceptable – then the inevitable abandonment comes. Historically, when I feel disappointed, I switch gears in my head (so I don’t have to need anyone) to think positively and do my best to avoid that area of disappointment again with that person. This has not served me well, as it always leads to me being overly accommodating/emotional and them… disappointing me.

As hard as I try not to need, I scream NEEDY in the relationship. Not a mature way to get my needs fulfilled. 

In my attempt to avoid being disappointed, I’ve:

• Learned to want/need/ask for bare minimum
• Been accused of being “unpleasable” because no one can seem to get it just right – I “expect too much” – (isn’t that ironic? I’m shooting for the least and coming across as needing the most. Ugh)
• Avoided actually ever voicing what I desire in a relationship
• Assumed and expected others will disappoint me
• Stayed small so they won’t reject me
• Accommodated them tirelessly as a sort of “deposit” for when I really need them to show up and not fail me
• Been extremely frustrated with people’s inability to step up

I have so much to learn and there seems to be so much duality with all of this “not needing anything from anyone, but knowing no one can do it alone…”, “being vulnerable and open, but not too much too soon or with the wrong person…”, “feeling through the wound, but not letting it dictate your actions…”, and on and on.

I feel overwhelmed about it, but I also feel confident the Universe is on my side and each piece will fit together in time – money, house, storage, preparedness for a relationship, awareness through it, career, publishing, books, living my best life… All in time. It’s coming.

I feel like I’m almost ready for it all, but I also feel I have so much to learn about myself still… and PRACTICE. I’ll leave it up to the Universe (Uni) how much I do alone and with a partner.

I’m missing sex this week, but longing for deep, intimate connection… the kind I’ve never had.

—

I feel empty today. The reality of not having “a person” who knows my daily life makes me feel empty and unloved and alone in the world. This is a feeling (and situation) I have avoided since I was a teenager. The quickest fix is having a romantic interest. But I’m not ready for that. I thought G would hold me over for a while longer, but that’s gone. I know I have friends and sisters involved weekly with me, but there’s no ONE person doing life with me – watching and hearing my kids grow up. 

It’s really difficult for me to sit in this feeling. At the same time, logically, I know it’s a good thing for me to overcome, and it won’t be this way forever. I’ll invite myself to join in movie nights, holding space, writing, dancing, and being. 

—

I have the biggest smile on my face 🙂 

I just watched Pride and Prejudice (Keira Knightly) and that movie encapsulates everything about ME. I love the slow, dreaminess of their mundane life; the freedom of time. I love the balls and excitement of possibilities and unknowns and even the misconceptions and the paradoxical, transformative feelings. Ah! Oh, and of course the music! 

I feel dreamy tonight. I can’t even remember the last time I felt dreamy! But it’s different this time. Mr. Darcy is not the center of my dreaminess (although he does make an appearance in my dream). It’s me. I’m at the center.

If money were no object, here’s the life I would dream of:

(At first I was embarrassed by my own deepest wishes – appearing lazy and moochy – but then I kept going and then I saw my truest heart underneath)

I don’t want to work, as in, have a job with responsibilities and someone to report to.

I want to spend my days writing – creating stories, arousing emotion, provoking honesty, sharing the human experience. 

I want to be uninhibited in showering my kids with love, support, time, and care. 

I want to travel the world and experience new cultures and bond with people. 

I want to serve, help, and volunteer like I get paid for it. 

I want to be a partner in building an empire where we can be a resource of stability, hope, healing and true humanity. 

I want to have freedom to hold space for myself and others whenever I feel like it. 

I want animals and earth in my everyday life.

I want the wind, the sun, and the water in my daily routine.

I want quiet sunsets and all-out parties.

I want to give lavishly to the needy and make people feel seen, heard, and known.

I want to see myself in everyone I meet and curiously explore their stories.

I want to live abroad, learn new languages and understand different cultures.

Basically, I want the human experience as untamed, stress-free, and enjoyable as possible.

I want a lifestyle where I can be forever curious and creative (and productive when needed). I am a clover-picker, holistic-hippie, free-spirit, wild mustang kinda gal and I long for the open range I can finally let loose in.

All smiles tonight. Welcome back, Dreamer.

M: Me

Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016

Children: Jane (9 years old) and Peter (7 years old)

G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend

S: G’s ex- girlfriend

A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)

R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids

Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend

W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist

D: Dear friend since 8th grade

C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile

B: Dear friend of 20 years who I shaved my head with when she got breast cancer in 2018 and lost her hair

O: A guy I “talked” to in another state and went and visited after G and I broke up in summer 2018

E: Kids (bomb ass) therapist

In 2019, I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3): 

1. An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
2. My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
3. The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.