February 21

Today was a good day. Very tired, but worked for C from bed all day. Haven’t felt creative all week (writing), so I’ve been working more. Getting used to the idea of letting go of G in our lives but waiting to talk to him until my emotions aren’t quite so raw.

Listened to Mark Groves Podcast with Lacey Phillips today (ToBeMagnetic) called “Call in Your Ideal Partner” or something. It rocked my world. Manifesting your dreams is rooted in your self-worth.

So, MBK, do I believe I’m ready, worthy, and deserving of a committed, loving partner? And career and income?

The funny thing is I really do think I’m worthy, but religion taught me to second-guess that in the name of humility, so then I started believing I’ve failed God/the Universe by believing I am deserving. But I don’t believe that anymore. I believe I’m worthy of living my dreams no matter how ridiculous they seem to others (Tyrel, brother, mom, G, anyone else). Am I worthy of off the charts, cinematic, gut-wrenching, heart-throbbing romance and love stories filled with commitment, conscious partnership work and purebred enjoyment! I’m worthy of winning awards, reaching wide audiences and being published for high-dollar for my writing? Hell yes, I am! It’s all already in plan – I can feel it. 

I will find “expanders” (people, ideas, things that expand my current limited beliefs) and I will broaden my thinking and hope. The goddamn cynicism melting off of me lately, I can feel it. 

G is a test for me. I always try to make my cake and eat it too, but I’m letting go of him. He’s no longer in alignment with me. He fit for a time, but I’ve outgrown him and even though it’s hard with the kids – I don’t need to hang on collecting bread crumbs when I know the whole damn bakery is coming my way.

I’m free… I’m freeing myself… to dream again. I’m proud I’m making different choices than I would have even a few months ago. I used to fall into compliance instinctively – to be agreeable at the cost of my own desires. No more. I will choose me – consciously.

February 22

I love this day. My inner worth is soaring. Everything is changing inside my mind. I am loving this journey HOME. To myself. The beauty. The clarity. The solace. Who knew it was right inside me all along?

— 

Oh, today was fantastic! Allowing myself to dream about what I want for myself, my babes, and a partner one day. I am embracing “expanders” and expanding the borders of what can be.

My internal dialogue is so different than it was even three months ago. I deserve all the good things: true, deep love, financial security and abundance, stability, honesty, wellness and peace.

I LOVE volunteering. I want to do it forever. I love animals and traveling and writing and stories. And food. And health. I remembered a few conversations with G that made me cringe – at both of our smallness – like when he responded to my reaction (headshaking and concern) to him first telling his family about me – “divorced, suicide, bald” – He said, “Yeah… sometimes I think you forget how much…” and I finished his sentence, “you put up with?” He said, “Yeah,” and solidified mirroring one of my greatest insecurities – my “situation.”

But my perspective has changed on that. I see now how my story has made me the strong, passionate, empathetic, intimate person I am. And that is most certainly nothing less than badass. I’m loving getting to know myself – following my moon cycle and tuning into myself – it’s been an experience of a lifetime.

February 23

Good day. Rode our bikes to Peter’s basketball game because my car is in the shop (normally I would have asked G to give us a ride, but I chose a different path). Got muddy. It was an adventure! I loved experiencing it with the kids. I felt like a good parent today. I’m choosing them and me. We’re doing this together and we’re OK, just as we are. Felt confident and peaceful today. 

February 24

Rough day for the kids. They both had different points of being very mad at me. I was carrying a little anger/frustration/hurt regarding G murdering our friendship. I lightly mentioned to the kids yesterday and today that G and I are taking some time to figure out what’s best moving forward now that we’re not dating. It’s these convos that make me angry with him again. It just didn’t need to be like this, but actually – maybe it did. I want to move towards forgiveness. 

Overall, I enjoyed the day with the three of us. I feel my mind expanding a little more everyday. Proud of myself. Enjoying discovering myself. Loving me in a new kind of way. 

February 25

Really good day. Worked. Great sense of self-worth and embracing my value today. Spoke gently to myself and the kids. Really understanding the inherent value of self-worth and it’s origination in honoring my own character – honesty, boundaries, etc. It’s beautiful and fun. It’s not a 2019 phase – it’s my new lifestyle. The trust I feel for myself is so foreign and liberating. It makes me EXCITED to date again when an aligned opportunity (aka man) arises:)

I’m trusting myself in ways I never have before. My fear of dating or picking a partner is fizzling as I learn about myself. It’s like before I was just floating around at the mercy of all my wounds and pain, but now I’m leaning in, paying attention, and providing for myself what I crave most from others. Not only is this bringing immense satisfaction and building my self-worth, it’s building trust. I can trust myself now because I can see myself. I trust that I’m paying attention. And I trust my GUT above my attraction (to men).

On one of Mark Groves’s podcasts today he said, “Honoring yourself – being committed, setting boundaries, being honest quickly with yourself and others – BUILDS your self-worth.” This is exactly how I feel. When I feel alone or abandoned in the world, now I remember: I’m committed to witnessing myself through this journey and creating space and a home for ALL of me – my shadow too. This has done wonders for my view of myself and self-worth!

[Here I wrote out qualities my “Ideal Partner” would have. That list included things like: consciousness, vulnerability, shadow work, generosity, etc.]

February 26

Texted G today. We’re going to meet for coffee in two days. Not sure of exactly how and what all I will say, but feeling really good about setting the boundaries for the future. Today was a great day. Volunteered. No work. Lots of self-love and self-worth deposits. Happy to be me and fully able to provide everything I need right from within ME!

February 27

Not sure why this just occurred to me today, but I sent myself into a spiral realizing there is a very likely chance G was intimate with S before the last time we had sex. I’ve felt sick since I thought of it. I meet with him tomorrow, so I guess I’ll find out then (even though I don’t even know how the fuck I’d trust anything he says anymore). Things like this just seal the deal – I do not – CANNOT – have people like this in my life again. I trust myself to listen to my inner voice next time.

Also, in talking with L last night, I realized whatever “that” thing is that makes a person think they know what’s best for people (like so many pastors I know) – with NO accountability or follow through after – G has that. I LOATHE it. I don’t know if it’s arrogance or what, but NO.

It’s time to make and hold some space for myself. Tomorrow is a big day – I’m setting boundaries in a way I never have before. I’m trusting myself and loving myself like I never have. I am a mix of sure and uncertain – I know what I want to get across, I just don’t know exactly how I do it. It’s uncharted territory for me, but here I go! Paving new ground!

I’m reading The Way of the Happy Woman by Sara Stover (and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho) and tonight I will journal from her suggestions (page 19):

  1. Looking back on my life, I’d say that the five main events (good and bad) that have really formed who I am include my parent’s divorce, the integration and subsequent segregation of R into and out of our family, being married to Tyrel, motherhood, and Tyrel’s suicide.
  2. Out of these, I planned two of them. The rest of them were unexpected. Although my decision to marry Tyrel was obviously without the knowledge of his mental conditions.
  3. The three biggest lessons I’ve learned in my life from these events include: A) Family does not always mean blood – which is a positive and negative thing. I have the ability to choose depth with whoever I want in my life, but it can be very disappointing when my blood family is disconnected from me. B) I can endure a hell of a lot of pain (emotional pain). C) People are ever-changing organisms. Nothing in relationships is hard and fast cement. It’s all negotiable and privy to change with time.
  4. Two things I love about my life now: The freedom I have to love and raise my kids the way I choose and the sacredness of this moment in time with myself and my little family. It won’t always be like this. I have most of the control and influence in my kids’ hearts, schedules, and lives, soon they will outgrow this season and venture out on their own. I feel awe and wonder for the time I have with them now – to model self-love and worth and hold their hearts in mine every day.
  5. Two things I would most like to change about my life right now: My financial and my partner situation. I long to be published and make money writing/speaking my own content. And I also long for intimacy and connection with a life partner. I want to be on this journey with someone I love and who loves me back.
  6. Two things I’m ready to invite and receive into my life right now are abundance and love… of all kinds – the aforementioned finances via publishing and a conscious partner, but also in all other areas – self-love/worth, friendships, writing, time discovering me, time being curious about my kids… all kinds of love and abundance.
  7. Some of my goals and dreams that seem a little crazy and that I’m almost too embarrassed to admit to are: to win the HGTV dream home and experience that thrill with the kids. I also want to find and cultivate a conscious partnership with someone who can grow with me and the kids over the next 40-50 years. Oh, how my heart longs for this to happen sooner than later. And of course that a publisher/agent will pick me up and I can live the rest of my days creating imaginative, comlex, provoking stories to enrich the lives of all who read. I want to love my kids and partner, write and volunteer for a living! I want to spread lavish generosity on hurting people – I want my life to be a touch point for those in pain, always communicating, “You are not alone. I see you.” I want a lake house where I have a haven to write, the kids have space to play with friends for the next 10 years and there’s a beautiful space for entertaining. I want to host millions of get-togethers. I want to connect the disconnected, warm the cold, feed the hungry, house the homeless, nurse the broken, and love the hurting. Oh, goodness, what a life!

I truly believe it is mine to have, whether by the divine intervention or step by step of my own two hands… this life will be mine.

M: Me

Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016

Children: Jane (9 years old) and Peter (7 years old)

G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend

S: G’s ex- girlfriend

A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)

R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids

Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend

W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist

D: Dear friend since 8th grade

C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile

B: Dear friend of 20 years who I shaved my head with when she got breast cancer in 2018 and lost her hair

O: A guy I “talked” to in another state and went and visited after G and I broke up in summer 2018

E: Kids (bomb ass) therapist

Brother: My older brother

K: My sister-in-law (brother’s wife) and friend

In 2019, I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3): 

  1. An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
  2. My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
  3. The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.
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