March 5

My intention was to serve others today. I volunteered in frigid cold weather. Fulfilled:) I feel very peaceful today. I feel the Universe conspiring to help me; the work is being done.

I’m ready to let go of G – of figuring him out and naming his triggers. I feel so much peace today understanding when he broke up with me in November, all he was saying is, “This is where I stop growing with you. I don’t want to hold you back, so be free to keep growing in intelligence. You are beautiful and you deserve more than what I can give.” And then he turned around and went right back to what he knows – to his old pain, to his familiar struggles, to the one who “did a number on him.” And me? I took off running like the wild mustang I am…

It’s actually very kind and beautiful when I choose to see it that way. We are all doing the best we can.

I want to be a relationship coach or analyst or something. @EvolvingMan, @RisingWoman, @ToBeMagnetic, @CreatetheLove, and @SmartCouple podcasts are jiving so deeply with me. It’s like I found my long-lost family. We’ll see what happens with it, but my oh my, it sure would make sense of the way I am and always have been – fixated and never-ending worker bee in relationships!

The Way of the Happy Woman page 35: I drew a flower.

The Center: “Thoughts, deepest heart desires, intuitive knowing, awareness, devotion, emotions”

Pedal: Relationships

Pedal: Community

Pedal: Career

Pedal: External Personality

Pedal: Day-to-day Interactions

Surrounding the flower: “Self-love, authenticity, confidence, self-acceptance, trust, self-worth”

Seeing that flower display shows me how I’ve done some things very well within myself and others have been completely disconnected/severed.

  • I have often silenced my deepest heart’s desires.
  • I have often ignored my intuitive knowing (or I, Tyrel, G, mom have misinterpreted it).
  • I have never given up on pursuing my thoughts and self-awareness (and I believe that’s why I’m here today).
  • I have never been committed or devoted to paying attention to myself–good, bad, ugly, beautiful.
  • I have often rejected or pulled away from community (mostly because it hurt me or wasn’t serving me).
  • I have always fought to be tuned into my relationships.
  • I have given very little attention or effort to my career overall.
  • My day-to-day interactions have completely eluded me and overwhelmingly occupied me at different times.

So basically, there’s a meaty chunk of work to dig into here. How… fun.

“What am I feeling now, and what are these emotions trying to tell me?”

“What can I do to nourish my spirit today?”

The thing about marriage is that it seems to bring more of a “built in clause” that implies a reduced sense of choice to walk away if the relationship ever turns stale – simply by way of paperwork and court documentation. I live for freedom. And that doesn’t mean I want to fuck whoever I want. It means, if a relationship ever stops serving my (or my kids) greater good or becomes hindersome of me being my best self, I want the freedom to say, “I’m choosing me,” and walk away without requiring a legal proceeding.

What I know about myself is this (and so much more – hehe): I will always be committed to growing, evolving, and becoming my best self. And if ever that is disrupted by a relationship I’ve chosen, then I will not lay on the altar to keep the relationship again. Once was enough and that sort of self-sacrifice ultimately doesn’t serve anyone well.

So, when I hear of people being lifelong “partners” or “fiancés”, I feel joy and peace. Even the thought of a wedding is lovely (obviously, not a traditional one with vows and contracts and commercialized bullshit). But the thought of marriage and people being bound to each other, “husband and wife” – it feels like doom to me. Like darkness and shackles and slavery.

Obviously, my idea of marriage is deeply jaded and could use some restructuring, but not on my own, stuck in my head. If my partner is interested in rewriting the definition of “marriage”, then great. If he’s happy without the title of “marriage”, even better. My dream is to be eternal fiancés. Simply as a reminder: this is a choice. We choose each other every fucking day. One day at a time and we choose to commit to the work and the love it takes to make it last. Fuck! That sounds like the most romantic story ever to me!

I am inviting in:

Abundance

Money

Peace

New healthy habits for moving through my emotions: anger and anxiety especially

New friendships

Opportunities to deepen my relational intelligence

In the next moon cycle:

  1. I want to consciously plant seeds of kindness with my kids, service with others, and acceptance of myself.
  2. I can rest, restore, and let go right now by carrying out my morning/evening routines, practicing breathwork, and centering my heart and womb.
  3. I don’t feel very resistant to being alone right now because I am enjoying learning to love myself well, but my longing for intimacy definitely tends to pull me out of the present moment sometimes. Remembering that the timing of the Universe is divine gives me peace to embrace solitude and silence now.
  4. The wisdom that comes from feeling the darkness of my difficult emotions is that it deepens and balances me. I feel a lot of things and the darker feelings remind me of how human I am and how precious time, space, freedom, and others are to me. 

Oh the things I can share with others from my darkness. Mostly compassion. I am not unlike all others who suffer and feel pain. There is a piece of me in every other person I see. I am great and they are great. I am flawed and they are flawed. To see beauty and light in pain and darkness is a choice and a gift.

Goodness! I sound like a Hippie dippie trippie nippie! It’s goin’ full throttle these days! HA!

Things I’m letting go of this New Moon:

Self-doubt

Shame

Self-ridicule

Expectations of self

Pressure to be or preform

G

Past relationship resentment

The “unconscious me”

March 10

Dang! I’ve been busy and now it’s Spring Break! Overall, doing really well. Still think about G everyday, but I think a lot of that is because I’m processing all my “relational consciousness and emotional intelligence” podcasts – LOL! Today I was smiling because I was so happy to spend so much time studying me and then literally three minutes later I was feeling the serotonin dip of cynicism and old beliefs: What if my hopes and higher thoughts of attracting my dream partner are just delusional and there really is no one who would be my perfect partner AND want to take on the Koenes’s?! So… now to hold space.

— 

I want to take things slow next time I date. And I mean for me – my heart, mind, and time. Let him prove to be worthy of each part of me. May I respect my own time (routine) and heart. I want to keep my daily routines and allow room as the relationship shows itself to be growing.

March 11

Sheleana Aiyana says self-awareness is key in order to not play the “codependent blame-game”. Well, in my codependent game, I didn’t tend to blame the other as much as endlessly “search” myself for ways to improve so I could be more acceptable or loved by my partner (Tyrel/G). Even if they didn’t say anything, I felt the compulsion to update them, “Listen, I know I’m lacking/failing you/this relationship and I don’t know how or why, but don’t you worry, I’ll be spinning my wheels until I figure out the problem!” This is such a difference from approaching it the way I would now: “I am OK with me. I am enough. I want to create a loving, beautiful partnership with you. Is there anything you’d like to talk through?” 

Game. Changer.

I’m not on a witch hunt in the dark trying to find validation and approval from my partner. I am me. I am already approving, accepting, and validating myself, but I’m open to feedback and growth with a loving, emotionally connected/intelligent and conscious partner. BAM!

Also, last night I had another epiphany! I’ve been really trying to close the circle on my “fixer issue/codependency” with friends and lovers because I know it’s not true that I know what’s right for everyone and how to help them be better, but I truly feel like I actually DO!

So, last night, it came to me:

We may be experiencing similar circumstances, but we each bring our own set of experiences, wounds, and perspectives into them. So, what the Universe is teaching me through my kid’s bad behavior or relationship drama is not necessarily the lesson anyone else is “supposed” to be learning. AND I will truly never be able to figure out what tests and lessons my people are in the middle of. Only they can do that for themselves. I can be a mirror or a hand of support or a voice of wisdom, but I am not the Great Teacher or Guru and I do not have their answer book.

Wow. This is huge.

M: Me

Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016

Children: Jane (9 years old) and Peter (7 years old)

G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend

S: G’s ex- girlfriend

A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)

R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids

Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)

H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend

W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist

D: Dear friend since 8th grade

C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile

B: Dear friend of 20 years who I shaved my head with when she got breast cancer in 2018 and lost her hair

O: A guy I “talked” to in another state and went and visited after G and I broke up in summer 2018

E: Kids (bomb ass) therapist

Brother: My older brother

K: My sister-in-law (brother’s wife) and friend

In 2019, I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3): 

  1. An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
  2. My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
  3. The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.
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