Long day. Brutal night with Jane. Two hour fit. I’m beat. I miss having a companion.
Wow. This day was rough. Dates with the kids (and grandma) while my car was getting fixed. It was long and difficult to plan and execute. It’s a lot of energy being with my mom and the kids for six hours! Then Jane had another epic meltdown tonight for hours before bed. I wrestled her for a solid 30 minutes as she threatened to kill herself (fuck you, Tyrel) and destroy her room. She didn’t hit or hurt me, which is progress from last year. I stayed extremely calm and was able to hold space for her until she finally came undone. She hurt her wrist and that allowed the tears to flow and she sobbed. I rubbed her back and sang “When the Night is Falling”. She told me she wanted to change schools because everyone hates her and is mean to her, she doesn’t like that G and I aren’t really friends anymore (fuck you, G), she misses daddy, she doesn’t get how Peter didn’t even cry when he found out daddy died, and she’s worried about continuing to be friends with her current best friend. She had so many emotions bottled up!
She apologized through tears three times for wrestling me, being mean, and destroying her room. I told her I forgave her and tomorrow is a fresh start, that I remember doing the same kind of things when I was her age, that she’s not alone, and we’ll learn to work through these big emotions together. She’s so precious. I am absolutely exhausted and so so so thankful she (they) have my undivided attention these days. We have shadow work to dig into–the three of us–and I need all the time and energy I can spare.
God help me. I texted G to see if the kids could hang with him soon. Not what I wanted, but Jane is leading this one.
Reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (pg. 134):
Ok, here it is–no beating around the bush–my heart, my wildest dream:
I want a life of ease. There. I said it. I’m tired of fighting, struggling, pushing to breathe. I want to be cared for the way I care for my kids. I want to be nurtured and loved greatly. I wanted to be doted on and favored. I want gifts and trips and money and pampering and love and conversation and companionship and time. I want to write and volunteer, wrestle my kids and hold space for them on the drop of a dime, I want days in bed with movies and baths, and I want financial, romantic and relational stability. That’s what’s true. I don’t actually care if I ever publish a damn thing. If I could love and be loved greatly, deeply, tenderly, passionately and grow in emotional and relational consciousness with my partner–well, damnit, that’s all I really want in life. I want to lay back, kick my feet up, and fucking love my people till they soar!
There ya go, Universe! Now go make it happen.
Another long day. I played on my phone (stupid woodblock game) for hours. No motivation to work, no drive to write. Trying to take it easy on myself, but I am wondering if I’ll be able to attract someone financially successful if I am not myself. Do I have to be everything I want in another person or what? All I want is to create love and be happy… I don’t want to work.
- Where can I see myself in each person I judge?
- Where can I show myself more kindness and self-compassion?
- G: I have been emotionally unavailable too – I guess to my children, him, and others. Even though I wanted to connect, I had so many blocks – it was impossible. I have also made poor choices in men I date – constantly finding chemistry with the avoidants. I finally got sick enough of it after G to look at my shadow and do some work. G isn’t sick of his patterns – we are not on the same journey and focusing on his path only distracts me from mine.
- I can forgive myself for the choices I have made in the past and accept myself as I am today without judging or forcing myself to be different or better somehow. I do feel foolish and idiotic when I look back at my old patterns and that’s absolutely how I think of G now. I can accept my past and remember I didn’t know what I know now and I am lovable just because I am alive, not because I have learned or evolved or practiced the most or best.
- Brother (and K): He avoids dramatic people and people he feels are toxic, as do I. He’s emotionally unavailable as I have been too. He wants to protect his kids from certain exposures, people, things.
- I can remember we are all doing the best we know how at the time. I am just now truly understanding emotional intelligence and the importance of building conscious relationships – I have never talked about or required this from my brother before… or myself. There is room for gentleness and grace as I adjust my life to build this kind of intelligence.
I wouldn’t say I feel depressed – maybe just a little “low”. And a little lonely. I miss having a companion, but even more so, I dream – long – for the kind of connection I have never actually had. It feels so close sometimes, I can almost reach out and touch it. I guess it would help if I just stayed in the moment and not ahead of it.
I really don’t want to work anymore. I feel so stressed and Jane has been more needy than usual and I want to be able to give her everything she needs. I was supposed to work five to six horse this weekend but worked zero! Jane had a rough night last night and needed extra cuddles at bed time tonight. Emotionally, I’m all in and feel capable, but financially and timewise, I feel like I should be doing work or writing and trying to further my (our) future.
I would like a sign from the Universe now (I am living on a theory here) that emotional intelligence, stability, connection is the most important thing for my kids. Am I off? Obviously, we need money to survive. I will try not to worry…
It’s hard today. I want more in life than where I am today, but I’m not sure of the path to get it – love, stability, connection, fulfillment, fun, travel, companionship, commitment, adventures, romance, friendship, time with my kids, kindness, peace, rest. I have so much to offer. Is it okay if that doesn’t include money? If I am supposed to be the kind of partner I want to have, does that mean I have to be financially secure before I’ll be able to meet my lifetime partner? I’m not sure…
Just started the Netflix documentary, HEAL. The bit about ayurveda piques my interest so much. Everyday lately, as I listen to people talk, whether about pain,sickness, relationships, parenting, work, pregnancy, stress, parents, LIFE, I think, “Oh, my he/she is not connected to their body at all… or their thoughts… or their soul…” We were all made to be whole, but most of us live in fragments and wonder why we are unhappy, sick, unfulfilled, etc. I see now how my emotional suppression and siconnect with my intuition has led me down some dark paths. I am going to continue to focus on my own journey daily and allow the Universe to open doors and present opportunities as the timing unfolds.
I’m going to start writing the intention I set each morning on here because that shit works! I usually struggle to get three or more hours of work in and today I got seven! My intention: Be productive. Now I feel like I can go volunteer tomorrow without worrying about work! Good day. All I did was work. I have been very emotionally available to the kids. They feel loved.
Intention: Be in the moment (mindfulness).
Volunteer day! I inhaled four to five horses and just took them in. I reminded myself about 1,000 times to be in the moment. That’s freaking hard to do all day, but I am so full of calm! Aside form trying to coordinate a time to hang with G soon (I soooo do not even want to engage with him, but it’s right for Jane right now. I still want zero to do with him. I started Spring Yoga Flow from The Way of the Happy Woman by Sara Stover tonight. Amazing. Challenging. Soothing. Connective.
This is me.
Intuitive, free-spirited, untamed, nurturing, holistic, faithful, engaged, deep in relationship, robust, powerful, gentle, compassionate…
I have read about five pages of Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, and ohhhh, Lawdy! I do believe I am unleashing the side of me that has never been free and there will be no turning back. I can’t help but think this was all part of the plan. My dreams began to shift when Peter was born. I stoped hoping for a redeemed marriage, and started hoping for deep connection, the ability to nurture (specifically my children and later a relationship with a partner), and be nurtured. All I longed for was freedom and creative liberation. It’s happening for me now and I sense that my intuition is going to be my compass from here on out.
Oh, the walls inside my soul are shaking – lasting change is coming – breakthrough and abundance, promises and fruition, fulfillment and practice. The Universe is conspiring to help me reach my Personal Legend.
I am choosing me. I’m showing up. It’s not always easy, but god, is it empowering!
Tyrel: My first love, husband and my abuser 2005-2015, father of my children, died by suicide September 2016
Children: Jane (9 years old) and Peter (7 years old)
G: Ex-boyfriend and best friend
S: G’s ex- girlfriend
A: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)
L: Younger sister (12 years younger) and close friend. Technically, my half-sister (her father is my stepdad, R)
R: Stepdad, father figure from age 11 on, and Opa to my kids
Z: Widow and close friend (one of the “hos”)
H: Older sister (two years older) and close friend
W: Kindred spirit, beloved friend, licensed therapist
D: Dear friend since 8th grade
C: Married to D, hired me to as a freelance writer/editor for awhile
B: Dear friend of 20 years who I shaved my head with when she got breast cancer in 2018 and lost her hair
O: A guy I “talked” to in another state and went and visited after G and I broke up in summer 2018
E: Kids (bomb ass) therapist
Brother: My older brother
K: My sister-in-law (brother’s wife) and friend
Ma: Tyrel’s mom, my mother-in-law
Lisa: Lifelong friend since high school
In 2019, I began my self-study by documenting myself in my everyday life in hopes that after a few months, I could see patterns and understand some of my own rhythms. I kept 3 journals (the — symbol represents distinction between journals 1 and 3):
- An emotional/mental well-being journal where I daily jotted 1-3 sentences about my overall internal stability.
- My mind-body-spirit (aka moon phase) journal, which was a calendar where I noted my hormones, diet, activity, and overall feelings about myself each day.
- The mamma-jamma journal (the main chunk of this memoir) where I painstakingly detailed out my experiences and my every thought about those experiences.