The ABC’s of Connecting with Humans

The ABC’s of Connecting with Humans

Whether we realize it or not, we are a herd species. Connection is in our genetic makeup. We will never stop calculating our existence next to other humans.

“Am I too close? Not close enough? How often do I interact with people? What kind of interactions am I having? Am I happy with my partner? Do I long to have a partner? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?”

The questions of connection will never stop floating around in our minds… every single day. What would happen if we turned those questions into a small action?

Instead of wondering if we are social enough, we can make moves to answer that question actively. For instance, forgoing one night of Netflix alone on the couch with takeout for dining in and people watching (Baby steps. You don’t have to dive into a weekend of parties and social outings).

Or if the question is whether we are satisfied with our current relationship, we can take an hour or a day or a weekend and hold space to listen to our inner voice and rediscover our standard for fulfillment. Then we can take an honest look at what work needs to be put into our relationship or what steps need to be taken to get out of it.

The key to connection (with self, others, Higher Being, nature, and community) is to be ACTIVELY LIVING. Get out of the back seat of CONSTANTLY THINKING about living life and GO LIVE IT.

No grand gestures or major upheavals required, just set an intention to live INTO the question on your mind and FOLLOW THROUGH with it. It requires bravery, not genius. And we all have the courage within us if we choose it.

Protect your time, it’s your most valuable asset. Be generous with your experiences with your people–don’t be stingy or closed off to sharing moments or trying new things with the people you care about. And, for the love of all that is holy, be PRESENT in the moment you’re actually in–put your phone away, make eye contact, actively listen and respond, share closeness and hugs, be willing to be vulnerable and open in conversation.

It takes practice, but if you make strides everyday, your life will bloom. You will shift from merely existing to full-on LIVING.

May you find every damn thing your heart ever hoped for in LIFE.

XO,

MK

Here’s How NOT to Get Stuck in Pain

Here’s How NOT to Get Stuck in Pain

If pain is inevitable, then how can we keep opening ourselves up to LIFE and not get stuck in fear of more pain?

Whether it’s emotional, physical, or mental–pain is painful and we’re all going to keep experiencing it as long as we are breathing.

Yikes. That’s a pretty debbie-downer statement. But it’s true! Luckily (but not by chance because we were made for this), we have everything already pre wired inside of us to be able to absorb, process, and heal from pain.

Humans are freaking fascinating.

Here’s how we live with an open heart when our nervous system and all the alarms in our brains are telling us to shut down, avoid, divert, and lock down:

We practice choosing ourselves. This means consciously building trust with our inner self and daily proving our commitment is real (boundaries, self-care, paying attention to intuition, etc.).

This simple (but initially uncomfortable) ritual will transform every area of your life whether you apply your amazing (and overworked) analytical abilities to it at all.

For all the other over-thinkers and off-the-charts analyzers out there, this practice will bring the peace of mind and soul that you’ve always craved but never thought was attainable.

When you become fluent in speaking and understanding the language of your own soul, you will create a natural, fluid circle of security that is all your own. It depends on no one else.

It’s liberating to explore the world, love again, adapt to change, and dive into new experiences when you know (because you’ve proven it to yourself over time) that you will always have a place to belong, be loved, heard, and seen… because that place is YOU.

Become your own self-soother, security blanket, loving arms to rest in, and safe place to run to.

If you are courageous enough to journey through the dark places of your soul and accept each part of yourself along the way, you will discover that pain isn’t something to be feared after all… it’s what uncovers the magnetic force of unaltered, pulsing, meticulous, exuberant LIFE within you.

So, what are you waiting for?

XO,

MK

The Real Cost Of Living With An Open Heart

The Real Cost Of Living With An Open Heart

If pain is inevitable, then how can we keep opening ourselves up to LIFE and not get stuck in fear of more pain?

Whether it’s emotional, physical, or mental–pain is painful and we’re all going to keep experiencing it as long as we are breathing.

Yikes. That’s a pretty debbie-downer statement. But it’s true! Luckily (but not by chance because we were made for this), we have everything already pre wired inside of us to be able to absorb, process, and heal from pain.

Humans are freaking fascinating.

Here’s how we live with an open heart when our nervous system and all the alarms in our brains are telling us to shut down, avoid, divert, and lock down:

We practice choosing ourselves. This means consciously building trust with our inner self and daily proving our commitment is real (boundaries, self-care, paying attention to intuition, etc.).

This simple (but initially uncomfortable) ritual will transform every area of your life whether you apply your amazing (and overworked) analytical abilities to it at all.

For all the other over-thinkers and off-the-charts analyzers out there, this practice will bring the peace of mind and soul that you’ve always craved but never thought was attainable.

When you become fluent in speaking and understanding the language of your own soul, you will create a natural, fluid circle of security that is all your own. It depends on no one else.

It’s liberating to explore the world, love again, adapt to change, and dive into new experiences when you know (because you’ve proven it to yourself over time) that you will always have a place to belong, be loved, heard, and seen… because that place is YOU.

Become your own self-soother, security blanket, loving arms to rest in, and safe place to run to.

If you are courageous enough to journey through the dark places of your soul and accept each part of yourself along the way, you will discover that pain isn’t something to be feared after all… it’s what uncovers the magnetic force of unaltered, pulsing, meticulous, exuberant LIFE within you.

So, what are you waiting for?

XO,

MK

If You Actually Knew Yourself, You’d Be Able To Feel Love

If You Actually Knew Yourself, You’d Be Able To Feel Love

Knowing yourself better than anyone else is a must if you want to build authentic connection with someone.

When someone else knows you better than you know yourself all that really means is that you haven’t taken the time to figure out who you are or what you are made of.

That’s when covert agreements can form in relationships, meaning they are left with the responsibility of discovering what you have not actually chosen to explore for yourself. Tricky situation for everyone.

It’s not a fair exchange–allowing someone to know you in more detail than you have bothered to know yourself. You inevitably create an imbalance in the relationship and the scale of power is skewed.

Although you are an independent, grown human, you have given your person the “discovery” power and that is a ticking time bomb… because it will never be another person’s place to know you better than YOU know YOU.

That’s not to say we won’t have blind spots or that our people won’t bring things to our attention that we were previously unaware of. But it IS to say that you know your triggers, wounds, needs, desires, and feelings first and well.

If you desire deep connection, fluid intimacy, and fulfilling partnership, then come into the relationship whole–positioned to know yourself more everyday, embracing every part of you (the dark and the light), and open to share yourself with someone else.

When two whole people show up for connection, the space between them is fertile ground to plant a garden (relationship). And if those two whole people learn how to effectively communicate, WATCH OUT! That shit is going to be magic!

That space between–it’s the sacred, delicate, passionate container you and your person will get to create the relationship design you EACH desire.

It starts with you knowing YOURSELF in all the dark corners and the hidden rooms.

You’ll never understand what an incredible piece of human gold you are until you discover it for yourself.

So go find YOU. Take notes on what you learn. Let this be an adventure for the rest of your life.

XO,

MK

Connection Step 3: Cues

Connection Step 3: Cues

In his research with the Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman found that one of the most foundational elements for building a satisfying, intimate relationship is when both partners are aware and positively responsive to the subtle “cues” or bids for interaction by their significant other.

The underlying idea in this is that we will TURN TOWARD our partners (or children) instead of ignoring or directly turning away from them.

Think about how powerful this is. Your best friend is typically the one who is interested in your WHOLE life–the big things and the tiniest little observations you have about the world. And you know this because you TELL them everything and they consistently turn toward you and engage.

When, over time and sometimes unnoticeably evolutionary, our people begin to “drop the bids” we leave for them, we will inevitably feel disconnected and distant.

This distance brings an onslaught of side effects: lack of intimacy and fulfillment within the relationship, frustration that can lead to resentment, and insecurity in the partnership.

So, how important is it that we PAY ATTENTION and pick up these cues from our partners/children/people on a daily basis? Well, it will determine whether you have lasting and quality relationships or not.

The foundation principle at hand with bidding and response is RESPECT. The acknowledgement of importance, presence, and connection within the relationship comes when the other person turns toward the one cueing and chooses to engage.

What a beautiful and sacred gift we have the opportunity to give every DAY!

Put your phone down. Make eye contact. Ask questions. Dig deeper. PAY ATTENTION to those cues for connection being dropped all around you.

It’s instinctual for humans to want to connect, sometimes we just have to lean in and become more aware of what’s happening around us.

XO,

MK

Connection Step 2: Curiosity

Connection Step 2: Curiosity

The beginnings are when we feel the most excitement. New job, new opportunities, new love, new baby, rediscovering ourselves.

Over time, that excitement can shift into an array of possible experiences: routine, predictable, satisfying, deeper intimacy, etc.

What sets the course to deepening the connection is curiosity. When we can remain or become curious again, we automatically set ourselves up to engage.

Curiosity requires us to pay attention, to care, and to interact. These are all crucial elements of building connection with others (and ourselves).

By spending a few moments in reflection of our current relationships, we can see whether we have maintained a level of curiosity or not and how that has affected the relationship as a result.

As always, pointing your attention to yourself is an empowering step to shifting your connection patterns.

Ask yourself the questions you’ve never spent time answering. Open yourself up to prod and play with those in close relationship to you.

Practice the art of discovery, for it will awaken the curiosity within you.

XO,

MK

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