All I longed for was freedom and creative liberation. It’s happening for me now and I sense that my intuition is going to be my compass from here on out.
It was scary for me there for an hour – witnessing, hearing, not knowing how to guide her. But, in the end, gentle love and soft hands led her back to me. Fuck, I hope I can keep doing this for her. She is so innocent and precious and worthy.
I feel a lot of things and the darker feelings remind me of how human I am and how precious time, space, freedom, and others are to me.
I feel so loved and whole and safe… and I did it for myself this time!
I’m setting boundaries… I never have before. I’m trusting myself and loving myself like I never have. I am a mix of sure and uncertain…
Historically, when I feel disappointed, I switch gears in my head (so I don’t have to need anyone) to think positively and do my best to avoid that area of disappointment again with that person. This has not served me well…
I am angry with myself… for not being brave enough to SPEAK as soon as I felt the wall go up… Time and time again, I could have addressed it, but I allowed him to be the shot-caller and in doing so, gave up the power to protect my self-interest.
I never set boundaries because I didn’t want to be rejected.
I [am] able to see all this now… I created him to be grander in my own head than he ever truly was… THAT is not his fault… I recognize my pattern here… I don’t think I’ve literally ever set a relational boundary in my life!
It’s heavy, painful, and it grieves my heart to feel these things again, but I also see how this wound has been directing all of my romantic relationships from the age of 15. I’ve been asking everyone else: Do I belong with you? If shit goes down, will I be taken care of, loved, kept or will you leave me behind and discard my love?
I do NOT want to demonize him through this, because he and I have brought each other some incredible lessons in two years but oh…my…god!