I SEND MY KIDS SECRET EMAILS

My kids’ dad died when they were 6 and 4. Since then, I created email accounts for each of them and send them emails about new milestones, special moments, and thoughts I have about them. When they graduate high school, I will give them the login info. I started this idea because I wanted them to have special (real-time) notes from me in case anything happened to me (like it did to their dad), but it has turned into a beautiful love story between me and each of them. Here’s one from earlier this week (this is to my now 7year old son):

Well, today you had some DEEP thoughts. First, at dinner (luna grill:), you said something like, “I’ll love you till I die, then I can’t love you anymore.” Your sis: You can still love people after you die. You: no. you’re dead. Or maybe you can love where you are when you die, but not here anymore. Me: Hmmm, that’s actually really interesting. I wonder if when you go to heaven or wherever after you die, you can show and give love there, and maybe watch people here, but you can’t send love and people can’t feel your love back because you’re in a different place. Except maybe every now and then with a sunset or ladybug (i.e. how Daddy sends love to us), you can cross over and get your love sent here too. You both nodded, wide-eyed:)

Then, at bed time after we had both been loving and doting on each other, you said with a worried look, “And mommy… sometimes I can’t feel your love or anything. Like when you leave my room and stop holding my hand, I don’t feel love anymore. Or like when I’m not holding something in my hand, I can’t feel it. So when I’m alone or my eyes are closed, I don’t feel anything.” You looked very concerned about this, so I explained that “feelings” are not the same as “feeling” something with your hand or body. Feelings happen inside and nobody can see them. No one can SEE the feeling of being sad or excited or loved or hurt. Your body may show it in some ways, like tears or dancing feet or hugs or frowns, but no one can actually see the feeling of love, etc. Then I told you that you are OK. Bud, I always want you to remember that. You ARE OK. Just the way you are–feelings or no feelings, good or bad, right or wrong–you are loved, you belong, and you are enough. I said, “I want you to know 2 things. 1. You have invisible Love Strings coming in and out of your heart to the people who love you that you can’t see. Whether you feel them or not, they’re always there. So if you don’t feel love or you are sad or you want to remember love, think about me and your sister and your uncles and grandma and aunts and all the people who love you and all the kind words they say to you and about you and remember what is true. 2. When you feel that way, that is a great time to go to your “happy place” (last night we just started the imagery exercise where you imagine your guardian beings loving you and surrounding you with safety and peace then you identify your color, object, sound, and smell in that moment). You smiled and said, “Ok.” and rolled over and fell asleep.

God, I freaking LOVE you. Your mind is like a grown, enlightened guru and you’re freaking 7! I’m not sure if this has anything to do with the way I parent you or if this is just the way you came out! I have a feeling it’s a little of both, but mostly the latter. You make me so f’ing proud–the way you use words, think about yourself, and look for more wisdom about the world. It’s absolutely mind-blowing.

Love you forever and always, Mighty Man! (whether you feel it or not;)

Xo, Mommy